THIS: Baby Schrute

I don't know how Baby Schrute feels about the costume his parents put him in, but the Internet is definitely loving it, as am I. There's just something about those glasses, that hair, his initial blank stare that is so completely in character and, ultimately, his total inability to protest what's happening.

THIS reminds me of the time I dressed Five up as one of my all time TV crushes, Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy (totally normal). I had happened upon a little black leather vest (meant to be a cowboy vest, but whatever) and a pair of little white Nikes at a second hand store. He was around 1 at the time had just learned to walk, so he was THRILLED about the shoes. They were dated and thus a little heavy and clunky...and the soles had kinda yellowed and lost their bendiness. All I can remember is his giddy yet Frankenstein-like clomping around the house, clad in toddler jeans and a flannel and a DIY mini SOA skull and cross bones taped on his back. And completely freaking the fuck out every time a masked stranger rang our doorbell for candy. Ah, memories.

After the Jax year, a Simon and Garfunkel duet happened with Five's same-aged cousin. The year after that, I caved and let him be what he wanted to be: his comic obsession Spider-Man. But I refused to purchase a cheaply made yet overpriced costume from Target or one of those weird Halloweens pop-up shops in the mall. Instead, I outfitted him in a pair of $11 Spider-Man pajamas from Amazon (more bang for my buck) and a cape that he already owned (Spider-Man doesn't even wear a cape, but whatever). He didn't know or even care. He was just happy he got to go around and "web" people from his "shooters'. And this year we're opting for a hand-me-down Darth Vader costume that's already been well worn by at least two boys before. Perfect. I don't have to spend any money and won't be pissed that he whips a $20 mask off his face five minutes into trick-or-treating and throws it in some bushes. Because of course he would. He's Five.

The point is, dressing yourself up for Halloween kinda sucks. There's too much pressure—do you go clever or obvious, store-bought or DIY, funny ha-ha or funny borderline offensive? And too many questions to consider, like how many times are you willing to explain to drunk strangers that you're that obscure character from that one 80's TV show ? How likely are you to rip off a third of your costume half way through your evening because it's annoying AF? And how many times are you going to say, "I hate Halloween" as an excuse for why you put the bare minimum of thought into your getup? (Also, pro tip, sticking pillow stuffing in the butt of a velour jumpsuit and wearing huge hoop earrings does not mean everyone will immediately take you for J. Lo. Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything.)

BUT dressing up your kids for Halloween? Priceless. And never NOT fun, especially before they can speak and/or choose their own costumes, like little Dwight Schrute. You're in total control and all outcomes are purely for your own amusement. Obvi, I would be lying if I said I hadn't taken advantage of my son's age and vulnerability for a photo op. Does that make me a bad mom? Nah. It just means I've instated his birth tax, his fee for entry. It's my little way of making him pay to play, so to speak. After all, these kids will only let us dictate what they wear for so long. After that, I'm told we have to let them own their self expression. Love 'em to death, but I say let's use our power until we lose it...and maybe steal a Mounds from their Halloween bag along the way. Who gives Mounds out for Halloween anyway?! Kids hate that shit.