Have you heard the one about the rich and famous people who bribed elite colleges into giving their kids admission? Or what Jezebel kindly refers to as “Aunt Becky’s college admission scandal?”
Well, it's not really a joke. And our beloved Lynette Scavo was also involved in this privileged plot. And, oh, what a tangled little actress-turned-potential-jail-bird web she weaves. You see, Huffman thought she’d treat her daughter’s college admission like an early career resume. But instead of fudging the start and end dates of a stint at Perkins, she paid someone $15K to falsify her daughter’s SAT scores. Not a smart move. You know what’s also not a smart move? Claiming that she did so because motherhood is—wait for it—“bewildering”.
Oh, you mean motherhood is full of unexpected twists and turns? You mean it confounds and confuses you on the daily? You mean you live in a constant, fatigued state of “What the fuck did I just do?” and “What the fuck do I do now?” Yeah. As my 12-year-old self used to say, no shit, Sherlock. Motherhood is all that and more. Look up the word, “bewildered” and there should be a picture of every mom ever.
But apparently Felicity Huffman finds motherhood so personally perplexing that not only does she blank on where she puts her keys from time to time, she also frequently misplaces her moral compass. And without that moral compass, how could she possibly do jail time? Jezebel reference’s Huffman’s letter to her judge:
“I find Motherhood bewildering,”... In my desperation to be a good mother I talked myself into believing that all I was doing was giving my daughter a fair shot. My own fears and lack of confidence, combined with a daughter who has learning disabilities often made me insecure and feel highly anxious from the beginning.”
Uh huh. Or as D.J. Tanner used to say on Full House, “Oh Mylanta!” She just had to play the disabilities card too, didn’t she? Forget the $15 bribe and the $20K fine. How much money did she pay her high profile PR reps and lawyers to come up with this dodgy plan of attack? ‘Cause the rest of us who call ourselves “bewildered mothers” aren’t buying it.
Anyone who has that much money knows exactly what that kind of money can buy, and it ain’t just a new pair of shoes. At some point, Ms. Huff ‘n’ Puff was faced with the decision of doing something super sketch, or going home to consider her next Botox injection. She went the sketchy route. And now she’s deep in it.
As Jezebel points out, Felicity’s husband and friends have also come to her defense, because obvi, she needs it:
Motherhood has, from the very beginning, frightened Felicity and she has not carried being a mom easily. She’s struggled to find a balance between what the experts say, and her common sense.”
First of all, a dude that tells you to illegally bribe him is not an “expert.” Second, “common sense?” I think you meant to say, “complete lack of human decency.”
Eva Longoria’s letter “praised Huffman for volunteering for Latino charities and improving the lives of “brown faces” despite being a white woman.”
Oh, she volunteers? Well, then, all sins forgiven! And I’m not even going to touch that “brown faces” and "white women" thing. Instead, I just want to say that even on my most bewildering days, I seem to keep tabs on what’s right and wrong, let alone legal and illegal. And believe me, I’m not perfect. I know that saying “fuck” in front of my kid is probably not a good idea, buuut it slips sometimes. I know that driving with my kid unbuckled is wrong. And illegal. Buuut, there was this one time. These are natural actions of bewildering motherhood. Mistaking an illegal bribe for a “fair shot?” Nope. Nice try, Felicity.
I can’t wait to hear the judge’s response. And for the Lifetime movie to come out. No, really. There’s a Lifetime movie coming out because of course there is. I wonder what Lynette and Aunt Becky would say about it. Ok, ok I’ll take a guess! I think it would go something like this: As Uncle Jesse used to say, have mercy!
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