Yesterday marked the end of the first week of kindergarten distance learning in our house and I have a lot of feelings. Here are five of them.
1. Angry
This is probably the biggest feeling, or the one that bubbles to the surface. I just want to know why. WHY are we adding stress to an already stressful situation? Our country is in crisis mode but seemingly trying to go on business as usual, at least as far as school is concerned. Sure, online learning is far different than classroom learning, but as far as conveying information from teacher to student, we're expecting our little ones to absorb and learn from our kitchen tables the same way they would from their school desks. Pardon my french, but that's fucked. I mean, I get it for high school and college. Older students are able to think and act as adults or near adults and are more likely used to learning in front of screens for the better part of the day. Five year-olds aren't. So I'm angry that the district decided teachers should be online between set hours every day, which has only seemed to have a negative domino effect on everything. I'm angry that on top of mother, marketer, house cleaner, activity organizer and every other "-er" that I am, I now have to play the role of teacher. Like any of us had time for another "-er"? Especially during a pandemic?! I strongly admire teachers and I have several friends and family members who are teachers (huge shout out to all of them). You know what most if not all of them say about distance learning? It's dumb. It's hard. It's stressful. It shouldn't be a thing right now. So WHY? WHY are we choosing to do this to ourselves? Because it is a choice, first by the district decision makers, then by us parents and lastly by our little students. And as long as the ones at the top of that chain keep choosing distance learning, it's going to be harder for parents to choose NOT to do enforce it (for fear of being that parent) and it's going to be harder for kids, period.
2. Confused
UMMM what about all those rules against screen time for our kids? Are we just saying, meh, all of that wasn't really that important anyway? Sure, these are strange times. And educational screen time is different than passive screen time. I get that. I've adopted that argument several times myself when my kid watched PBS for more than the sanctioned 2 hours a day. But is it that different, really? A note from Kid A's teacher this week stressed how on screen learning isn't ideal for our little guys. So now I'm back, full circle , to number 1. WHY? Why are we choosing the 'not ideal' option? Because it's our only or best option? Really? I haven't really heard a convincing argument yet. By the way, as I type this, my kid is currently watching Scooby-Doo and probably will for a sizable chunk of day. I'm tired. He's tired. We're all tired. So while screen time rules have always been pretty fluid in my household, I kinda just want the powers that to be to come clean about this. Because like my kid about vowels, I'm confused.
3. Obsessed
My OCD level need to be "good" and "productive" by completing all allocated tasks in the most efficient way possible is causing me to want to just power through the virtual list of "assignments" on my kid's Seesaw home page in one sitting. But Kid A can't even sit still long enough to eat 3 chicken nuggets let alone do a 15 minute long math assignment while his OCD mother hovers over his shoulder and his shrieking little brother tries to steal the markers out of his cold, five year-old hands. I'm struggling to turn this feeling off, struggling to remind myself that my kid doesn't think like me—he doesn't approach life with the aggressiveness of a mamma bear who is trying to multitask at the speed of light and, more than anything, just wants to check things. off. the. list. He just wants to color and play with his trucks.
4. Ambivalent
Depending on the moment, my mood or my professional workload, I actually give zero fucks about my kid doing school work throughout the day. But this feeling is usually counterbalanced quite swiftly by one of the other four feelings mentioned here. Still no matter how hidden or buried, ambivalence is still alive and well in my brain. Which leads me right to number five.
5: Conflicted
It's April. As far as I know, the school year is still slated to end in June, less than two months from now. In the grand scheme of a young child's school career, that's not a lot of time...so what would be the harm in just calling it, right now? Because as long as we continue to not call it, I can't in good conscience give my kid the freedom to just be a kid—when it's probably more important than ever. The world is under an enormous amount of stress, the cumulative results of which—in both adults and children—we're not likely to see for a long time. Bottom line, kids shouldn't have to bear any of the COVID burden. Adults should be listening to the words we've been reciting to our little students since school first started in September: make better choices. But here's the thing. If I choose to just free my kid from the tethers of distance learning, I'll feel guilty that I deprived him of the chance to learn when I could and maybe should have, or that I let him fall behind his peers...if that's even a real fucking possibility in kindergarten. But if I don't make that choice, I'll feel guilty if/when any of these five feelings present themselves in my little guy's own thoughts, words and actions, when more than anything, I just want him to be as happy and well adjusted as possible now and into the future. So what's the better choice here? And is it a choice that each parent should make for themselves, or do the powers that be step up and make it, so that it's easier on all of us? I don't know yet. So for right now, I'm going to pour myself another cup coffee, stay in my pajamas for another hour at least and enjoy an episode of Scooby-Doo...because by the sounds of Kid A's laughter wafting up from the basement, it's a good one.
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