Before I took on a full-time job as a mom, I had a lot of free time. But if Current Me asked Past Me, to agree with this statement, I’d probably tell Me to fuck off. The irony is that when I had zero responsibilities, besides paying my bills and getting to work on time, I was way more defensive of my spare time than I am now. (It’s super easy to not defend your time when you have none in the first place.) Also, I was way more judgier. Why tho? Was I just too naïve and self-absorbed to gain a reasonable perspective on life? Did I just not know what I had because I hadn’t lost it yet? Was I just an asshole?
Whatever the reason, the moral of the story is that I’m a changed woman. Many of the places that I used to hate because they stole my “precious” time and took me away from my cozy little life, I completely welcome with open arms. Why? Because when I became a mom, everything flip-flopped. Now these once sucky places are a cozy respite from my chaotic life.
If I could go back in time and tell Past Me that I had it all wrong, I would. I’d tell Me to not get so bent out of shape and complain about how going to get my car repaired or a doctor’s appointment was so annoying because it meant I had less time to sit on the couch and watch reality TV. I’d say, “Listen here, hussy. In 10 year’s time, which seems like a long way away now but it’s not, you’ll be fighting for 15 minutes of free time. So stop your complaining and just get your ass to the dentist. If you don’t do it for you, do it for Future You. Also, #FirstWorldProblems.”
But since I can’t time travel, I won’t really be doing any of that. Instead I’ll tell you my top 5 places that don’t suck now that I’m a mom who really doesn’t have any time (vs. the fake not having any time of my yesteryear). And they might even surprise you.
1. Car Dealership Waiting Room
I mean, any waiting room is a welcome respite from my freakishly time starved life. But only my car dealership’s waiting room has free popcorn, coffee and plenty of Wi-Fi. Despite the subtle aromas of rubber and grease that waft through the atmosphere, I’m not at all afraid to admit that this is one of my favorite places on earth. I’ll gladly wait three or more hours in their semi-plus chairs and play Google instead of taking my kid to swimming lessons, please and thank you. And it’s totally legit. No one can argue with the fact that you have to take a time out to get new breaks or an oil change. I’ve even contemplated breaking my own tail light just so for a little extra me time.
2. Dentist’s Chair
I realize this is a bit of a hard sell, given the potential of drilling, cavities and those plastic molds from hell they shove in your mouth for x-rays. But beyond all the satanic abuse of modern dentistry itself, any time a doctor reclines my chaise-like chair, gives me headphones and sunglasses and tells me to close my eyes and relax, I’m not going to refuse them. Plus, the sweet sounds of the easy listening radio station that they pump through those headphones is just about as soothing as the nitrous oxide in my nostrils. Put them all together and it’s a little slice of heaven on earth with a new toothbrush door prize.
3. Hospital Room
Does it suck to be in a hospital for any reason? Sure. Do hospital gowns give me instant anxiety? Of course. But does laying up in a bed in front of a TV all day while nice people bring you food, water and meds sound positively dreamy? Absolutely. Plus there’s no better excuse for not doing something that you said you would do than being in the hospital. Literally no one can argue with you. And if someone does, they’re Brittany Spears level toxic and should be ejected from your life immediately.
4. Hot Yoga Studio
I’ve been a hot yoga goer for many moons. Back in my non-mom days, I used to scoff at those who’d get to class uber early. Aside from securing a good spot in the studio space, I couldn’t understand why someone would want to spend more time than necessary in a stinky room where spandexed stranger parts crowd in on you from all directions. But now I get it. It all comes down to one simple word: naps. Ever since I had Kid A, my main goal in yoga life has been to get to the room as early as conceivably possible to fake stretch for a few seconds and then recline into a blissful 15 minute cat nap. No blankets or pillows needed, just my elastic waist pants, my mat and a toasty warm room. The sooner I doze off the sooner I’ll forget about stranger anus that will be down dogging in front of my face for an entire hour.
5. Locker Room Shower
Now just hear me out. Obvi, public showers are cesspools. Simply stepping into the locker room itself severely increases your chances of contracting a freaky fungus, like ring worm. I should know. This is an actual thing that happened to me once. But let me tell you, when it comes down to contracting ring worm or having a five year-old bust into my sacred shower time because he has to go poop, and then proceed to actually go poop while I’m in said HOT shower—all while commenting on how “funny” I look naked—I’ll take the ring worm.
This weekend, I hope you find a place that doesn't suck to experience some quality down time. If nothing else, it will make your Past You shudder, and that's kinda fun.
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