Tablets. Google Meets. Worksheets. The letter 'H'. Friends, it’s been a week. One helluva week.
[Power goes out unexpectedly.]
Me: Oh dear.
6 yo: What happened?
[Power goes back on.]
Husband: Squirrel, most likely. Chewing.
4 hours later...
6: Mom. MOM!
Me: What?
6: I think the squirrel is eating the internet.
Me: What?
6: The internet. It’s not working. I was on YouTube--
Me: You’re supposed to be doing math.
6: Oh, who cares.
Husband: Where’s the tablet? Where’s the boy?
Me: In his room. Supposed to be on his gym Google Meet. [Walks into boy’s bedroom, hears YouTube noises coming from beneath a giant lump of covers on the bed. Pulls back covers.]
6: Mom. How many days until Christmas?
Me: Give me the tablet.
Me: [Peeks into 6's bedroom to check on school progress, trying not to get noticed,]
6: Mom. Look at me doing math!
Me: Awesome, buddy! So good! [Tries to walk away.]
6: How’s work going for you today, Mom?
Me: Oh. Good, thanks.
6: What are you doing for work?
Me: Um, I’m working on a presentation.
6: For who, your client persons?
Me: Yup.
6: Oh. What do they do?
Me: Make pool products.
6: Awww. I WANT A POOL!
Me: Everybody wants a pool.
6: Yeah but I REALLY REALLY want a pool.
Me: Well, keep up with your school work and then you can get a job and buy us a pool.
6: I think it’s time for you to go back go work now.
6: [Slides dramatically off his chair and onto his bedroom floor.]
Me: Buddy, I need you to sit on the chair and pay attention to your teacher.
6: I want to sit on the floor. [Creates a nest of blankets and stuffed animals on the floor]
Me: Fine. Settle in. But, I still need you to pay attention.
6: [Starts playing with tiny Lego person helmet that he somehow unearthed from somewhere on the floor.]
Me: Buddy?
6: Yeah I know, I know. [Keeps not paying attention.]
Me: PAY ATTENTION!
6: [Pulls blanket over head.] I AM PAYING ATTENTION!
Me: Ok, let’s do this “get to know me” worksheet. I’ll read the questions, you say the answers, ok? Here’s the first one:
I like to play...
6: Uno.
Me: My favorite food is...
6: Pizza.
Me: I am good at...
6: Construction.
Me: When I grow up, I want to be...
6: Funny.
Me: Can you get out of your pajamas?
6: I don’t know. Can you get out of your pajamas?
4 hours later...
Me: It’s 5:02 and I have not gotten out of my pajamas.
Husband: The internet isn’t working again.
2 hours later on a family walk to the park...
2 yo: SQUIREL!
Me: Hey that was cool, buddy. Did you hear what Mr. P said? Flamingos are born white and then they turn pink.
6: Yeah. I already knew that because I heard it on Blippi. Because Blippi knows everything.
Me: [Hears last shred of soul starting to die inside.]
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