Science says only childless women want perfect boobs. I say 🐂 💩.

Motherhood can deliver body image boost -- Study links perfectionism and breast size dissatisfaction -- but only in childless women

First things first. I’m not a science girl. It was my least favorite subject in school—I always felt like science was...smarter than me, which is probably why I tend to believe it when it says things. Climate change, rising sea levels, these are things I listen to the scientists about. But women’s opinions on their bodies? Ummmmm, not so much.

An article from science came through my email inbox today. (How and why it did so another story.) This is what it had to say:

New research indicates that perfectionism is related to breast size dissatisfaction, but only in non-mothers — suggesting that mothers are more comfortable with their bodies.

I’m calling bullshit.

Science, do you really think that moms don’t lose precious moments of “me time” standing in front of their mirrors lamenting over their body shape and size?

You do. But why?

There are a number of potential reasons why the association between perfectionistic self-presentation and breast size dissatisfaction was significant only amongst non-mothers. There is the fact that becoming a mother naturally results in changes to the appearance of the breasts, particularly in terms of their size.

Ha! Double ha! Triple fucking D ha!

Sure, they might get bigger at first. And that's cool I guess, if you're into that sort of thing. But many of us aren’t. (🙋‍♀️) And eventually, babies ruin—let me repeat— r-u-i-n those plump orbs. Because once they are done being used as food sources, they shrivel into two little sad soufflés, no matter what size or shape they were before.

Yet this particular article seems to suggest that moms are too drunk on oxytocin to care about breast “aesthetics" and too busy being an all-day baby buffet to notice the inevitable fate of their once fun bags. (Yep, I said fun bags.) But that's backwards. If anything, becoming a mom and breastfeeding makes you feel even more aware of your body and perhaps increasingly dissatisfied with your boobs.

But you don't believe me, science, do you?

…becoming a mother — and particularly the experience of breastfeeding — may focus women's attention on breast functionality as opposed to focusing on the aesthetics of breasts and the body.

Oh my god. You really don't believe me.

I can’t wait to tell future moms this sunny little piece of news. “Hey, you know what’s really fun about being a mom? Once you’re done breastfeeding (if you choose to breastfeed) you’ll be able to touch your toes with your nipples and your boobs will look like empty sacks of flour. But you won’t even give a shit! Why? Because, silly, you’re no longer a human woman. You’re a functional mom machine void of feelings, sexual desires and beauty goals, not like those silly, perfectionist, childless women who clearly have nothing better to do than think about makeup and boob jobs. It’s science.”

Sure, theoretically, motherhood can provide a mental body image boost...if by "boost" you mean not caring what you look like because you're too tired from child rearing to do anything but blink. But it probably won’t. I mean, have you seen social media lately? And do I even need to say out loud that body dissatisfaction has nothing to do with whether you have kids or not? And I'm not even a scientist. Pretty sure I had body issues before I was a physical house and pretty sure I'll have them long after my kids are out of my literal house. Self destructive mental baggage doesn’t ooze out of your body along with your placenta, though that would be pretty sweet if it did. Anyway, kids or no kids, I’ve never seen an elderly woman with perky boobs. So we’re all doomed to a less than perfect boob situation in the end.

Also, science, why are you doing a study on boobs? Could you go back to concentrating on more crucial things like migrating humans to an alternate earth, one in which articles such as these don’t clutter up the science journals and my email inbox? In other words, stop being an asshole.

No wonder I never liked you in high school.