5 THINGS FRIDAY: 5 Ways I'm Giving 0 Fucks this Weekend

When you’re a parent, life can feel pretty prescribed. Wake up. Feed kids. Drop kids at daycare. Work. Pick kids up. Feed kids. Try not to fall asleep in front of the TV. Rinse and repeat.

Bored yet? Me too. That’s why every once in a while I have to shake things up, take a new direction, do something out of the ordinary, live on the edge, so to speak. But in a very mom-ish sort of way.

Because here’s the thing. As much as I might say that I want to go sky diving or ride a motorcycle or take a spin class, I don’t really want to do those things. Why? Because I like being not dead and I enjoy my crotch feeling un-numb. But also because I know that as a mom—and a grown ass adult—I can’t make all the bad choices anymore. Because I have futures to think about. And really, I just don’t have time for things that I fake want to do.

But I still need to fulfill that itch inside of me, the one that craves spontaneity and the senselessness of my 20’s. So I use the weekends to inch toward the brink of irresponsibility, to delicately dip my toe in the waters of fearlessness, to just graze the edge of partial insanity.

Now, without further ado and In the spirit of #Friday, here are 5 ways I plan on letting the fucks fly—mom style—this weekend.

1. Wear elastic waist pants for 2 DAYS IN A ROW!

I mean if I’m real honest, I do this too often for it really to be considered edgy, even by my subpar standards. (Thank you, elastic waist jeans.) On a good week, I can get away with wearing leggings to work on Wednesday. (You’re far enough away from the previous weekend that you won’t appear lazy and it’s deep enough into the current week that you will appear stressed enough to necessitate zipperless pants). But it sure does feel fantastic to not give any fucks about what I look or smell like for more than 12 hours. After all, who am I trying to impress? My kids? Pfsh! The Target checkout lady with the suspicious mole on her chin? Usually no. So look out world, here I come! And I’m locked and loaded with dry shampoo, scented lotion and an unreasonable amount of spray deodorant. PSA: If you see me in public and my potentially ill-fitting Merona leggings are giving me a cameltoe, please don't be too shy to help a sister out.

2. Get out of the shower WITHOUT squeegeeing the glass doors!

I’m fairly certain that when raucous crowds shout, “RESIST!” they’re not talking politics. No. What they’re really doing is taking a stand against squeegees. Admittedly, I have a thing about the shower doors and the marks the little water droplets leave behind (they remind me of sad clown tears, which is equal parts annoying and scary). Okay, so it’s more than a thing. It’s an OCD. But I only care during the week. Okay, that’s a lie. I only care most of the time...which actually means all of the time. But my house cleaners are coming Monday so I definitely don’t care for approximately 2.5 days. Go run free, little water droplets! Run free!

3. Give my kidS UNLIMITED screen time!

This one probably won’t sit well with like the entire internet, but my rebellious side says 🖕. I’m doing it anyway. Because sometimes I just need to go to the bathroom. ALONE. Sometimes I just need to sneak a piece of chocolate into my mouth without sharing. Sometimes I just need to stare numbly at cartoon figures on the screen in the hopes that all the laundry will do itself. And the only way to successfully allow these things to happen is to inundate my children’s eyes with lights and sounds from the family room glow box. Will I regret this decision later? Probably. Will it be best for the mental stability of everyone in the household this come Sunday afternoon? Absolutely.

4. Have more than 1 GLASS of wine!

Because obvi. Cheers to not dealing with life choices!

5. NOT wear sunscreen!

Look, I know what you’re thinking. But listen, I live in Minnesota. The sun shines for roughly 23 days, 6 hours and 57 seconds all. year. long. And 2 of those 23 days are occurring this weekend—my weather app has consistently shown two precise little suns on Saturday and Sunday. So you betcha I’m going to soak it all up WITHOUT a barrier of zinc or magnesium or vitamin C or whatever the fuck they put in that stuff. I don’t care if I’m 22 or 39 and a half (forever). A girl’s gotta get her tan on. So come and get me, UV rays, you lovely little muthafuckas! You're the only thing I'll shed my leggings for.